What's Lust Got To Do With It?

In this case..lust had everything to do with it.

“This time when we kiss, I feel it in the pit of my stomach, I feel it in my heart. And I realize love isn't about sex. It's about connection”

- Ellen Hopkins

There comes a point in every woman's life when she suffers from all the symptoms of love but soon arrives at the realisation that her own heart has fooled her..It was never love, probably the most common misdiagnosis amongst lovers. With rejection and heartbreak comes valuable knowledge, the existence of love's alter ego - lust.  

It was like a scene out of a corny, low-budget teen movie, but to me it was the start of the most intense romance I have ever had. My first day at a new school, third period, English. We had been assigned seats directly opposite each other - perhaps fate's twisted way of bringing us together - or maybe not. Either way, the attraction, our chemistry was instant. He had already been at the school for the last three years and I had already been warned - the girls told me he was a flirt, every girl wanted him but nobody ever got him. A sort of look but don't touch sort of guy. I am not the best looking woman in the world so I never, not even once thought anything would happen between us - Looking back, I wish nothing ever did...

Three months of innocent flirting and hesitant staring eventually turned into circulating school gossip - we were both the talk of the school, and honestly, I fucking loved it! The fact that we were together in the minds of others, was more than enough for me. It was almost satisfying, gave me a much needed ego boost. Finally, a test was set - a party, that I couldn't attend. See apparently the only time we would suffice to his groupies would be at parties - there wasn't one party where he would leave alone..except for this one. 

"I wish you were here.." - were his exact words as they appeared on my phone. The beauty of an unexpected text message from the boy you like....From that moment, the rest was history...Text messages turned into phone calls and phone calls turned into my second boyfriend...Little did I know that my second boyfriend would turn into my first heartbreak...

TLG

On To The Next One

I'm sure you are all getting really tired of the incredibly long posts and for that I do apologise..I will try to make them just a little bit shorter, well A LOT shorter!

In my last post, the letter to my first love - #846 - I mentioned that it didn't take that long at all to get over him..I think it took me about a few weeks. I know, how the fuck could I get over my first love THAT fast? Well guys, that brings me to #76226 - my first experience of unrequited love...

There is always a boy who every girl wants, but he never gives in to them. He is fully aware of the power he holds on these girls and if he's a dick (and sometimes - most times - they are) he will use this power to his advantage...but my second boyfriend was a pretty good guy and what I did to him is inexcusable...I'm talking the worst thing I have ever done in my entire life (and no..I didn't cheat - it's worse...) Something that will haunt me until I finally work up the courage to contact him again and maybe tell him what I did...? I don't know if that will ever happen though - Sorry! I'm babbling about things that will all be clearer once I start the actual story...

TLG

Dear #846,

How do I even begin to describe what we had? As young as I was, I know now that it was you who introduced me to love itself. Before you, my perception of love was what I would see in movies and read about in books - unrealistic. Movies insist on portraying love as a fairy tale, giving us false hope that love is all you need in a relationship, and that is so far from the truth. And I learnt that from our relationship. I also learnt that timing is probably more important than love, when it comes to a lasting relationship. (Probably something you readers don't agree with or don't want to hear, but that's my point of view) If you were still the boy you were then and we met today, as the girl I am now - I know it would work. I mean, it would be magic...

(See readers, I had this rule when I was younger..a stupid rule looking back on it - back then, I didn't believe in sex before marriage - I thought it was a sin and it wasn't even because of religious reasons..I just really believed it was wrong to have sex with someone who wasn't your husband. Knowing that, #846 loved me and never, not even once, asked me for sex. We did everything else, we covered all the other bases but no matter how hard that ball was hit, how far out of the stadium it went - we never got our home run)

I remember you asking me the other day..(yes he is still in my life guys - but I promise I will get to that later) if I had any regrets, and I said no. But the truth is - I have two. The first being - how I wish I met you now, and how I wish we didn't have a past. The second - God, I wish I didn't have that stupid rule. (The boy I did hit a home run with...well he never loved me at all - I'll get to that later too - a little teaser for you guys though..HE WAS A DICK!) I remember coming home with you after a party, and we were completely sober and it was probably the highest peak of our love for each other - I was lying in your arms as you were kissing the back of my neck, I turned towards to you and whispered that 'I want you to be my first. I'm ready for us to go all the way'...You chuckled with disbelief and assured me that we would get married and our honeymoon will be the night it happens, just the way I wanted it to. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday...and as my eyes water to the memory of that - I realise that you must have loved me with every piece of your heart. (For a guy to compromise that much for me - a guy to refuse sex because he knew how much it meant to me..)...I never found a love like that after you..I crave for someone to love me like that again..A part of me wishes you could love again, but people change. You've changed so much - and that is what breaks my heart every time - the fact that we could never revisit what we once had. (The boy I fell in love with guys, is now a man with a girlfriend of 3 years..who once didn't have a bone of infidelity or deceit in his body but now he reeks of it. All you can see is lie after lie after lie.. pouring out of him every time he opens his mouth.)

What happened to you? After we broke up, how did you change that much? How can a person change THAT much? (After we broke up, we didn't speak for about three years..it was actually the easiest break up I've ever had. It's ironic actually, that the only guy who truly loved me was the easiest guy to get over...I didn't even cry..not one tear could make an appearance for our funeral..)

If you ever read this..(which I doubt and hope never happens because my identity would be exposed) I want you to know how happy I am that we are now friends, after everything we had and shared together...but I need you to know that every time I see you, I cry afterwards..because your present girlfriend, who cheats on you and who you cheat on constantly (never with me, can I just add) has changed you. After being with her all your morals have gone out the window...Please see some sense..stop cheating and lying, just live with the morals you used to have..maybe then we could be together again...

TLG

Chapter 1:That's What I Call Love

"More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them"
- Harold J Smith

I think, as humans, our main problem is the fact that we forget we are humans. I am fully aware that there are some people who go through life playing by the rules and that's great for them - but personally I pity them. I have always believed that in life, some rules are meant to be broken. And the rules we break, the consequences we face, are how we learn and grow from it. 

I remember the first boy I fell in love with - in fact, I remember everything about him..all the feelings he introduced me to, our first kiss and even our last one. It is definitely true what they say about your first love, you will not forget them, even if you want to.

I remember going into my first relationship and falling head over heels in love with each other...instantly making promises of forever. Our innocence and naivety prohibited us from understanding the cruel truth - people change, things change...and unless you're willing to accept the changes, you have to move on..I believe one of the fundamental mistakes we make when entering a new relationship is how we don't prepare ourselves for the worst, just IN CASE it happens. It doesn't matter how old you are or how many relationships you have had..sometimes mistakes are repeated. But what we think is a mistake may not even be a mistake at all. I was confident that the mistake I made in this particular relationship was falling too fast and giving up every part of my heart to him - But I was wrong. I have every right to invest everything in the person I love. My mistake was not preparing myself for the worst case scenario - falling out of love...I genuinely believed we were going to last forever, and I should have known better..I made a mistake, but I learnt from it!

This relationship was the longest relationship I have had (so far), lasting a little more than two years. Devastation inevitably followed when we both realised it just wasn't working out. He moved away to University, and when he left the love that we once felt for each other turned into a love of friendship. It was like our sexual desire, our lust for one another vanished into the mist that year. It's surprising how often that actually happens..Writing this now, reminds me of the girl I was back then - I had so much I wanted to tell him, and wish I could tell him now...It's odd that the immature love I felt for him still resides in my heart and yet he is the hardest one to describe to all of you readers..

I guess by dedicating a post to him, all of you could understand the depth of our relationship better..

TLG

My Resume

Although I wish to keep my true identity anonymous, you should know of the qualifications I have:

Name: Love Guru

Age - 23

Sex - Female (call me sexist, but a boy writing this? Really?) 

Experience

Boyfriends - 3

Flings - 3

One Night Stands - 1

Heartbreak - 2

Rejections - X ('X' stands for [so many times it would take me years to account for] by the way) 

Further Experience

Now, I will get into this in more detail later but to sum up, I have been advising friends, peers/acquaintances and sometimes even complete strangers on what to do with their relationship problems for years. Honestly, I think I was twelve when the advice started to roll off my tongue. So, I thought to myself, with the many years experience I have under my belt, I could provide a service. A free of charge service. Helping those in need of my help. And alas, here I am - The Love Guru is born.

Additional Information

I feel I owe you readers an explanation as to why I have decided to blog about my entire love life, in addition to giving advice. Well, where do I begin? I have always considered it important to consider the problems of others before your own, especially in regards to love. Sometimes we need to hear the experiences of others, because it forces us to put our lives into perspective - and that's how we learn. 

So guys, that's my resume. Tomorrow...the first official blog, where I will discuss common mistakes we all have a tendency to make in relationships. 

TLG